Today’s story needs a backstory. I don’t know if I told you this, but I live in a luxurious mansion, a mansion that is practically busting at the seams with hot servants, personal massage therapists, live-in chefs, and exotic reptiles. The backyard is lined with money trees in two heirloom varieties: gold coins and the rapidly deteriorating American dollar. The latter of those two sentences is a lie. No money trees for me. The former though, however preposterous it may sound, is mostly true!
Well, okay, I live in a co-op. It is the size of a mansion, though! And the hot servants and the live-in chefs are just the insanely awesome residents, because we have to do chores in lieu of some of our rent. And the personal massage therapists are just friends that you whine in front of until they form massage trains with you. And Nicole (from the Manti episode!) has two geckos. See, all true statements before.
If you’re still unimpressed, living in a co-op means that I get apple pie for dessert, breakfast, and lunch. It also means that I never have to wash a single dish, clean a bathroom, or sweep. Instead, my particular chore is to make sure that the kitchen is well stocked with nutritious and delicious things. Anyways! getting to the actual story:
There is a request sheet where people can write down their favorite foods that they want me to order for them. Someone wrote “Mayonnaise”. Now, my house is not an all vegan or all vegetarian household, and therefore, fearing uprisings, I do order food that is not vegan or vegetarian. But this time, I thought I could just sneakily and subtly replace mayonnaise with Vegenaise.
No one would notice…right? When people asked me in person for mayonnaise, I started saying, “Oh we have it! See?” whilst pointing in the vague direction of the Vegenaise jar. Then they would angrily jab at the GIANT LETTERS on the jar that proclaimed it to be VEGAN. Stupid unsubtle jar, ruining my ruse. And since vegan seems to be a synonym for gross to some omnivores, so ensued the Great Vegenaise Revolt of 2011 in my house.
I lost. Badly. There is now a jar of Best Foods mayonnaise in the fridge, and no one will eat the Vegenaise but me. Wait, did I forget do tell you how frakking large this tub of Vegenaise is? Here’s a size comparison of my head vs. the tub.
So I came up with some creative uses for Vegenaise below. What can you come up with?
1. Bring him home to your parents for Christmas.
2. Why hello there, Doctor Vegenaise…
3. Pretend you have a trained jar that can karate chop bricks.
4. Sneak up on it and put bunny ears on it.
Oh, and you could make that corn and summer squash soup recipe that was featured in the beginning of this post.
Corn and Summer Squash Chowder
serves 2 | cook time: 25 minutes
- 3 tablespoons flour
- 3 tablespoons Earth Balance
- 1 1/2 cups soy milk
- 3 tablespoons nutritional yeast
- 1/2 cup caramelized onions
- 4 cloves garlic, minced
- 5 ears corn, kernels only
- 2 yellow crookneck squash, sliced
- 1 heirloom tomato
- salt to taste
1. Melt the Earth Balance with the flour in a medium pot over medium heat. Whisk together, then slowly whisk in the soymilk until smooth and creamy. 2. Add the nutritional yeast, garlic, corn, and caramelized onions. Simmer for 10-15 minutes, or until the corn is softened the soup is thick.
3. Meanwhile, sear the sliced of crookneck squash in a separate pan, and then add to the soup. Simmer for 2 more minutes, then serve with chunks of tomato on top.
4. Don’t forget a nice dollop of Vegenaise on top, because this chowder is not very fatty without it, so it’s what makes the soup taste supppppppppeerrr creamy. As in, you eat it and you feel like you want to go to the gym to work it off but you don’t because you’re too full.